So many bad coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he saw someone without a mask on coming towards him!
Have you heard that covid increases the age of death - Witless has just warned: "this is serious! If covid mutates people might live forever".
Why do so many pairs of covidiots die in alleyways?
There's no way past each other in an alleyways less than 2m wide!
Why do covidiots die in toilets? Because the government haven't issued guidance on how to get out.
Why do covidiots pair off with those testing positive for covid? Because they've heard that pears only test positive once.
What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst-kase scenario.
Hair dressers, Nail salons and beauty salons have been closed by government. It’s about to get ugly.
If you don't understand a coronavirus joke, be patient. Eventually you'll get it.
Why did the covidiot murder his mum's sisters? To get auntie bodies.
Why did covidiots stop taking viagra? They didn't want to get virile.
Finland just closed its borders. No one is crossing the finish line.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.
Why is covid like butter? It doesn't spread in the winter
Why didn’t the sick guy get the joke? It flu over his head.
Why is no one getting ill from anything else but covid? They all flu away.
Why do doctors hide from covid but farmers and supermarket workers keep going? Doctors think it attacks those with a big salary but not those with a big celery.
How did the super villain hide his plan to take over the world? He had it covid!
This is the first year I'm not going on a luxury cruise because of covid, usually it's because I'm too poor.
Dishes the covid police. Open up!
These tests for covid where the prize is a fortnight in isolation are an IQ test.
Why are the pubs opening - because the government wants us drunk enough to think they're doing a good job
How to confuse a covidiot in a supermarket, turn half the arrows the wrong way around.
Why did the government ban all cooking? Because it was a pandemic!
What happens when Ants get covid - they go to antensive care
Why do covidiots hide in basements? Because they're batty.
My covidiot wife stopped travelling anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go out or visit anyone to avoid getting the virus.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
She's stopped watching anything as she thinks she can catch the virus from computers & even TV.
The only thing she hasn't given up is cooking, cleaning and sex.
Should I tell her the pandemic is over?
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
How do you make a covidiot laugh in 2021? Tell them a joke in 2020.
I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
Wife: Did I get fat during the quarantine?
Husband: You were never really skinny.
Time of Death: May 3,2020 9:51pm
Cause of Death: covid
Police Officer: “Why are you protesting here?” Protestor: “But the sign says, ‘Fine for protesting.'”
Why didn't windows machines get the covid virus?
They got immunity before the epidemic.
I’ll tell you a covid joke now, but you’ll have to wait to see if you got it.
Why don't ants get the virus
Because they have antibodys
Johnson, Witless and Vallance walk into a bar - "ouch".
They name a virus after a beer, and what do we do? Whine.
Why do covidiots wear fashionable face muzzles? They're heard the first sign of covid is a loss of taste.
How did Clinton stop covid infecting her email server. She bleached it.
Why do covidiots have tangled hair? They've been told to reject Hare Care Quality (HCQ).
The world health organization declared dogs don't need quarantining. So WHO let the dogs out.
Why did all the covidiots die of alcohol poisoning at Xmas. They heard they couldn't get six.
What do you call six covidiots - a government.
Why don't grieving uncles get covid? Because they have the Auntie body.
Why don't covidiots get sexually transmitted covid, same reason they don't get this joke, because 'ankers don't get it.
How do covidiots procreate: covideos.
Why did the covidiots lock up up the beauty queen? Because of her coronation.
Why do covidiots like going for covid tests? Because it's the only test they can pass.
What do you call a pair of covidiots on Youtube? A Co vid!
Why are the government rolling out mass testing at the end of the epidemic? Because so many people put on weight!
Ferguson dies and joins the queue to get into heaven.
A year after dying he catches the eye of a passing angel and says: "I know a lot of people died from covid, but why haven't I got into heaven yet"?
She promises to look into it.
He is forced to wait and wait, with nothing to do but stand in the queue waiting.
But after a decade of waiting he catches the eye of another passing angel and says: "why haven't I got into heaven yet"?
She tells him to stay in the queue whilst she has a look into the problem.
Finally after a another century of just waiting he finally catches the eye of God and demands to know why he is still in the queue to get into heaven.
God replies "You'll just have to wait in that queue until all the other dead are processed - the 800,000 before you."
"But when will I get into heaven" asks Ferguson.
"Who says you are going to heaven" replies God.
Why are the arm-y so SAG-E in it's handling of the pundemic? Because they lack humerus
What do you call a covidiot with a Victoria cross, a thief.
Judge: “I thought I said that I never wanted to see you in here, again.”
Protestor: “That’s what I kept telling the police officer, but he wouldn’t listen.”
A little old lady appears at a protest and approaching the police lines.
They shout "Go the $%& away?”
The woman replies, “But I only want to know how to get to the hospital”
The Riot police reply: “Just keep standing there.”
A turkey joins the covid protest and beaten up by the police, stuffed and eaten. It was a fowl affair.
Why does a mother Kangaroo dread lockup? Because her kids have to play indoors
What do you call a group of dinosaurs sneaking past a deaf covid snitch? Do-you-think-he-saw-us with herd immunity.
What do you call a one eyed covid snitch? A snitch. So what do you call a blind covid snitch? A sntch!
How do you make a covidiots eyes sparkle? Shine a light in their ear!
Why do so many deaf people die from covid? They don't get herd immunity!
So, why do so many blind people die from covid? The ambulances carrying the deaf people run them down!
Man walks into a bar. The lucky bastard.
Why is Boris Johnson not baking a Christmas cake this year.... He can't decide how many tiers it should have...